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    How to Get Over Your Fear of Failure, Unknown or Rejection and Start Creating Indestructible Charm, Charisma and Clarity!

    26/08/2018

26/08/2018

How to Get Over Your Fear of Failure, Unknown or Rejection and Start Creating Indestructible Charm, Charisma and Clarity!

Ok so here’s the thing. The other week I posted up on my Instagram the following question!

“What is holding you back?” 

From this question, I got an alarming number of responses that all said pretty much the same thing.

“Fear of the Unknown,”
“Fear of Rejection,”
“Fear of Failure.”

All of these fears come under the same category for me, especially when I am coaching people. The Irony is, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. So in this article, we are going to talk more about it. We are also going to be talking about the REAL solution to this, not some hocus pocus glitter solution that some people might dish out to you.

Fear of WHAT?

Look, let’s get straight to the point and to the jugular of the situation. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection or Fear of Failure (herein referred to as FoF for all three) can be aptly summed up as one thing. Fear of a potential truth.

Fear of what is going on, fear of uncovering the answer. Fear of finding out the person didn’t actually like you. Fear of finding out you’re not enough. Fear of losing your partner. Even the fear of not earning enough money or ANYTHING REALLY! We often fear the answer more than the outcome itself. I find most people, when they uncover the truth, might be hurt, some most people get over it very quickly. It is sort of akin to stepping off a rollercoaster. Another might say it is akin to finishing a book. You get a HUGE sigh of relief when you get your answer, as much as it MIGHT hurt to find out somebody may not have liked you, you also find out the truth and so you can do something with it.

Afterall, you cannot do anything with a guessing game (which is what most people chose to play when they live in this fear).

Why is FoF so terrible?

FoF is so terrible because at the end of the day you end up creating your reality. It’s the harsh truth. This is why, to me as a coach, FoF is the first thing I destroy when I work with people.

A common hypothetical example:

Jane is afraid of rejection, especially of men she likes, so she not only is too afraid to go out to bars to meet people that when she does she hides. Once a man she was attracted to said hello to her and she said something silly. She was too in her head attempting to deal with her fear. Jane then decides to think to herself,
“see, why even try, if this is how it always turns out!”

Thus the prophecy she set out with her fear is fulfilled.

Another common hypothetical example: 

Maggie is afraid of finding out if the guy she is seeing actually likes her or just wants her for sex, so she stops investing in the relationship and starts looking for evidence. The guy she is seeing, Dave, starts to notice this behaviour and doesn’t find it attractive. Where was the girl he met originally? That sexy, devil may care, girl, he met by the beach? Maggie becomes more obsessed with finding the answer and the fear of rejection that it starts to transform for her. The relationship shifts from a want to a need, and Dave, now recognising that his decisions will decide entire happiness which is WAY TOO MUCH for people to handle and the number 1 reason why needy couples fail. Dave, unsure of how to express his feelings, starts to move away from Maggie and she starts to chase him more and more and more. Eventually, he says,
“Hey, I really like you, but I really don’t see us going somewhere serious,” knowing that when they first met, he was fully ready to commit to her. Maggie then says to herself,
“See, I knew he was only after one thing,”

Thus the prophecy she set out with her fear is fulfilled.

FoF is so fucked up because you create what you fear.

Fear rejection? BAM! You get rejected.

Fear not being noticed? BAM! YOU GET THAT TOO!

Imagine a little imaginary fear factory that exists in your heart. This little factory can’t tell the difference between what you want and don’t want, so whatever you focus on, it will produce. It will produce in large quantities as well.

If then you start to realise that you’re afraid of people loving you. Well, you better believe that this factory will only serve you up the people that can’t love you, but you’ll only be able to notice those people as well.

FoF is such a powerful and terrible scourge on your very soul that if you let it run unchecked, it can not only unravel all of your relationships (because it SPREADS), but when that happens, it kills two of the most important things you’ll ever have:

Your sense of identity, and your confidence.

With those two gone, that’s when we start to deal with apathy, depression and more and more of the same.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?

I think the best study of life is how it is, and as your coach, I’ve studied emotions. I’ve seen this happen time and time again, and I too have been subjected to it. There are some people who have to reach rock bottom and lose it all to tell you what I’m about to tell you, and there are others who have come out of it who were not conscious of what happened, so they don’t know how they got out of it and run the risk of getting there again.

When I work with people, I make sure that they do not hit rock bottom, but they never do.

So how do I do this?

I do this by creating an indestructible identity.

Most people get hurt when their sense of who they are gets destroyed. This is why confidence and identity, when destroyed, lead to depression and more pain. This is also why, on the flip side, those with an incredible sense of who they are and what they do tend to have their cake and eat it also.

This isn’t rocket-science people, it’s identity craft.

When we create a rock solid identity, you cannot get hurt. There’s nothing to hurt. It would be like throwing a rock at a tank, it emotionally bounces off you. This is why there are some people out there, you know those people, who can NEVER get rejected. They can’t get rejected, ever! It’s not that people do not reject them, but if they are, it doesn’t mean much about them.

We get hurt when we make it mean something about us, and we make it mean something about us when that part of us hasn’t fully formed to stand up on it’s own. Creating an incredible sense of who you are can be so euphoric that some people have called it orgasmic (yes, I have experienced this also), and it DOES make your sex better.

Why? Because it’s just part of you. It’s not something that you do. It becomes something that you are!

Let’s bring back those hypothetical examples:

Jane knows who she is. She knows she wants to meet people but she’s not too fussed about it so she goes along her merry way in life knowing she would meet people. She doesn’t really care much about those people that don’t like her because it doesn’t mean much to her. She likes her and that’s all that matters. A friend invites her out to a bar and she goes along thinking,
“well, I was going to meet somebody anyway, so this might be it,”

When she goes out to the bar she meets an attractive guy. She’s not too fussed about him because she knows she’s attractive and he is, and as much as it would be good, she’s always having a good time. She knows she IS the good time that people crave! While dancing, talking to people and this guy, she noticed that this guy likes Marvel Comics! She’s a massive DC Comic fan (their competition for those who don’t know). This starts a heated debate that really turns up the sexual tension. Everybody else gives them space because they know something is about to go down. They are in each other’s faces, not releasing the tension at all. In the end, Jane’s friends want to drag her away, but she’s not done telling this guy all about how Batman is way better than Iron Man, so the guy asks for her number so they can continue the chat over text message. You better believe they are both secretly looking forward to seeing each other.

Thus the prophecy she set out with her sense of who she is fulfilled.

Now the other one:

Maggie is seeing a guy and she knows it’s going well. The reason why it goes well is she knows who she is and how she wants to be treated. She doesn’t put down people for not treating her a certain way, because she has so much love to give that it just doesn’t matter. Her partner, Dave, really looks forward to seeing her. Their time together is their place to recharge from the world. Slowly, over the course of months, they have become irreplaceable. Their time together is always so precious to each other that they have even started to become each other’s biggest fans! She’s a graphic designer and he’s an architect. You better believe when they go out, they are quick to talk up each other.

Pretty soon, he tells her something that he was too afraid to tell his ex-girlfriends. He tells her those words that he thought to himself,
“If I ever say those words again, I want to make sure that it will be to the last person that I ever saw them to.”

So, there, on a night in bed snuggling and talking after eating pizza and drinking a couple glasses of wine, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Dave says softly under his breath Maggie,
“I love you,” and Maggie kisses him back quickly, sweetly and without thought.
“I love you too,” she says back.

None of this, however, was a surprise to her.

Thus the prophecy she set out with her sense of who she is fulfilled.

So how do we do this?

Well, now that I have your attention again, from those stories (that even I had a good time writing), how do we go about creating this amazing sense of identity? Well, the answer is both so simple yet so profound that this has been the thing that people have been searching for aeons.

I do not write this in articles because I do not dare sully it with confusion or misdirection. If you are interested, email me at harvey@gethimhooked.com and we can set up a call to discuss you and your situation and the steps to take.