Well, are you?
Relationships, they do take a lot of work. A LOT of work. Nobody said it would be easy. It seems like a good majority of people are happy coasting through life until they get what they want, and some people fight hard to make it happen. There’s no right or wrong way honestly, but when it comes to relationships, you’ll find that people can grow which sometimes mean they grow apart.
Think of it this way. You, as a person, are constantly evolving. You’re like an amazing recipe that is never finished. Imagine one day you decide that you taste better with a little bit more basil? BAM, that’s part of your personality now. We grow because life throws us challenges and we are healing. This can often lead people to come together in an amazing way because we find somebody who wants to grow with us.
Generally speaking, there are two major categories of growth. Are you a MOVING AWAY From Person or a MOVING TOWARDS Person? A Moving Way From Person might be moving away from pain, moving away from feeling terrible and moving away from feeling certain things. A Moving Towards Person is the kind of person who is looking for love and trying to grow beyond what they feel they are. It’s also worth pointing out that as humans we are complex creatures, so the truth is we are actually a blend of both, but the most important thing here is where we spend MOST OF OUR TIME!
When you now take a closer look at ACTUAL relationships, we can see that people who grow together, stay together, but sometimes people can change. They get hurt, or they discover something new about themselves and it drastically alters a part of them that was keeping them in the relationship. This can be hard to accept because then that person no longer feels love in the same way, and they start to slowly drift away from the other person (without even knowing it).
Want to know how to stop this from happening?
I want you to take some time now to write out your “Love Story.” This is your story about how you want your love life to go. We want to get REALLY specific. We want to also write this story out in a way that is a PAST TENSE story as if you are regaling the story to a friend after it had happened. We want this story to be as long as you need, and include things like:
- How you met
- How you felt when you met
- The kind of person he was when you met him
- His job, what you spoke about
- Who first spoke to who
- Did you guys swap numbers or spend the whole night just chatting?
- How were the first few dates
- How was it when you settled into the relationship
- How you overcome problems
- How you celebrate loving each other
- How you feel when you first met each other’s family and friends
- What special things that he does to show you off and his love to the world.
Now, the trick with this is to write it down and to LET IT GO. The process of writing it down trains your mind and weirdly manifests this kind of thing in the future, but if you’re already in a relationship doing this exercise will really help you think.
Because if this ideal love story is not as good as your current one, then you’re in the right place.
Have you ever felt like you are not living up to your full potential? Have you ever felt like you’re not really… growing?
This is something that is extremely curious to say because honestly, I find a good majority of people aren’t living up to their potential. WHY? Because their life never took them to experience things that would have tested them, for them to discover themselves fully.
It is interesting to say this because at the least of all we can propose that life is there to grow us. Just like how the gym is there to grow our muscles, life is more of an emotional gym. In the same way that we might feel like our bodies have not grown to see it’s potential, it’s the same thing with life and our emotions. If you feel like you’re stifled in life, then it’s time to do some things that scare you.
You see, there are three zones that we can live in (and I’ve even got a tattoo of this on my arm to remind me of this).
The first zone is that can live in is the COMFORT ZONE.
The Comfort Zone is the zone that we love and know. It’s movies with a friend on a Friday night. It’s sleeping in that extra hour on a Monday morning. It’s everything that you feel comfortable with. It’s the zone that we operate the best in. Why? Because we are used to it. It’s the zone we have earned because we have spent a good majority of time in the second zone.
The STRETCH ZONE
The Stretch Zone is just outside of our comfort zone. It’s the zone that when we operate in, often we can feel exhausted because we are literally stretching ourselves. Not physically, but emotionally. It is the zone that consists of getting up an hour earlier than we should have and go to the gym. It’s the zone that consists of telling that friend your feelings when you really didn’t feel like it. It consists of going on that date when you weren’t sure you should have.
Anything that is a little bit outside of the comfort zone is a thing that grows you emotionally. You naturally become more of a stronger person. You evolve more and more, you find yourself being able to do things you’ve never done (and trust me on this, it feels SUPER HUMAN!).
The thing is though, I want you to look at these zones like a rubber band. In the comfort zone, life is easy and loose, because we aren’t stretching things at all. When we push ourselves, in the comfort zone, you actually stretch the band of your mind and it expands to match the new situation, so OVERALL you become a stronger person.
But, I hear you asking, what happens if you stretch yourself so much you snap?
This is the zone that exists that is called the…
OH dear me the Panic Zone! This is the zone where your mind literally says “OH NO, I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” It’s the zone, that if you’re socially anxious you decide “NOPE, I’M STAYING HOME TONIGHT!”
This is the zone where the rubber band snaps, and you have to spend some time looking after yourself to heal yourself.
The truth is, life throws you some heavy lessons sometimes, and we always get the choice on how we respond, but sometimes the best thing to respond with is “I’m not ready for this yet” if you feel like it is too much for you to handle.
If you do want to grow though, the trick is to learn what your Stretch Zone looks like. Learn that it is always worth stretching yourself because that’s how you become a stronger person. Has there ever been a time where you’ve felt like you couldn’t achieve things, only to discover you should have?
As your coach though, I find it’s interesting because I find myself always pushing people to be in their stretch zone. Talking about emotions is something that is a stretch for some people, or talking to new people. Whatever it is, it always comes down to one little sentence.
“Scare yourself every day.”
Do something that expands your mind every day. You don’t have to go from 0-100. You just have to do ONE THING that scares you every day, and that will be the thing that grows you.
All you need to do is go to bed a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger. If you’ve done that, then that day is a success.
If you want some free stuff and want to learn more about Harvey Hooke, click here.
Growing pains suck.
That feeling of anxiety, of “I can’t do this,” of “I want to give up.”
We feel growing pains in all parts of our life. We feel it when we are at work, we feel it when we are at the gym, but the thing is, we can also feel it when we are in a relationship. Only in relationships, we experience the growing pains and we call it something else. We call it anxiety, or we call it hurt. The truth is with these feelings, it is important to pay attention to two major factors because growing pains ARE NOT BAD… but in some cases, they can really hurt you.
The first factor is that growing pains in relationships are actually a good sign. They are a sign that you are learning something new. My major issue with this though is that since a lot of people miss label this, they often back down when they feel this growing pain. If you’re still not sure what feeling I am talking about, it is a feeling (sometimes in your chest or your heart) that tells you “NO, NO MORE, THIS IS TOO MUCH” or a feeling of loss, or a feeling of hurt. I basically look at it and identify it as some form of strain. The thing though, is that the strain IS NOT BAD. If you feel this strain, there are times when you need to push a little bit more, and get through whatever problem situation you are in. When this happens, when a lot of people think that they are going to break down, more often than not it creates a breakthrough instead. If only that person pushed through just a little bit more.
Personally, I’ve had several points in my life where I felt like I was going to break down, and because of the way my life was set up at the time I did not have a choice but to keep going. I’ve had times when I was on tour and I felt like the world was going to end and trust me now that I’ve started Get Him Hooked, I sometimes have that feeling weekly. The only difference between myself and a few other people is that I don’t often see that feeling as a bad thing. Even in my private relationships, any argument, or pain is just a step ladder to something more amazing, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, it has I have always learned something new, some new secret or some new idea or even something new about myself that has allowed me to transcend that pain.
It is important to note though, that “the secret” that I spoke about us, is very nuanced. This is where we look at the second thing about growing pains. That NOT ALL GROWING PAINS mean you need to push forward. Sometimes we get into mindsets where we think that progress is key. That we SHOULD be doing something. This is why I was actually afraid to write this article because my worry is that people will think “IF YOU FEEL PAIN YOU MUST ALWAYS PUSH THROUGH.”
Think of it this way. If your problem is that you’re banging your head against the wall and you want to break through, sometimes you learn that you need to keep doing it, and maybe harder to break through… but sometimes you learn that you shouldn’t even be trying to break it down in the first place. This is so key because it’s the thought that we always have to keep pushing forward that stops us from learning something great about ourselves. A big thing for this is a lot of people have problems with being upset, that they feel like they shouldn’t be upset. This then clouds them from the real thing that is at hand. If you have a problem with your partner and you need to sort it out and you don’t want to because you don’t want to be seen as upset, you have to sort that out (and often the breakthrough I speak of is THIS).
After all of this though, there is the breakDOWN point. Where our mind literally says “I’ve had enough!” This is a point where it is so far outside your comfort zone or understanding zone that you can’t deal with it anymore. If this happens, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. You’ve had enough, you need a break. You need to recover. LISTEN TO IT.
If you don’t, you’re most likely going to struggle and emotionally shut down or worse… you’ll link pain to doing whatever that is. I’ve seen so many people just give up on relationships entirely because of a bad experience that could have been avoided.
Look, there are a LOT of reasons why he might treat you badly.
He might be a narcissist, he might be angry with the world, he might just be really hurt inside and is looking to be superior.
Truth be told, there are a million reasons why guys treat girls badly, and most of it comes from hurt and pain, what I care more about is HOW TO STOP IT. Now I am not talking about how to stop it on a global scale, but to quote Gandhi,
“if we change ourselves, the tendencies in the world will also change.”
So with this idea, it starts with YOU. This is why I like to say GO FIRST. That if you want something to happen, you’ve got to decide how you want to be treated and act in accord with that, but more importantly, to quote Tony Robbins.
“You get what you tolerate.”
Now, that quote for a lot of people upsets them, because in relationships they think
“I didn’t tolerate this!” To that, I say
“You didn’t realise that you were tolerating this.”
That’s the truth. What we say, what we do, what we ARE, we condition people to be in relationships with us. It is also worth noting that what we don’t say, what we don’t do and every time we decide to hold our tongue, we ALSO communicate how to be in a relationship with us. That time that you decided to hold your tongue because you thought you’d upset him because he upset you? NOW he thinks it is ok. Maybe not at a conscious level, but definitely at a subconscious level. This happens. It is life, but now we get to decide how we want it to go.
This is why I am such a giant fan of raw self-expression. If we take the time to express that we aren’t happy with something or somebody’s actions, it makes it easier to do so the next time. Then, that situation where you feel like you’re being taken advantaged of? THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN because you’ll say at the time…
“Hey Greg (or Steve, or .. whatever his name is), I don’t think I like that. Let’s do something else instead.”
Then you get the best thing in the entire world when it comes to relationships… you get FEEDBACK. You get to see HOW he reacts. If he reacts badly, you learn a bit more about him, and if he DOES react well, then you have a good insight into who he is!
“We get what we tolerate” also works with dates and dating situations. If you’re in a situation where a guy wants to hang out and you don’t want to, and you DO because you don’t want to be mean… then you’re the one who’s in that situation. I find a lot of people complain about bad guys in their life, but nobody actually knows what they want. If you have a goal or a direction you want, you don’t have a complaint, you have a problem! Otherwise, you have basically chosen to be there (which is quite hard for a lot of people to accept).
Now, I say this in a very to the fact way, but it is worth noting that a lot of people out there do not have a balanced stable mind or they have been hurt soo often that it is hard to express themselves. If this is the case, my biggest advice is to start small. To explore expressing yourself for the sake of expressing yourself. To learn more about the process, and why it is ok to and why if somebody reacts badly… it really isn’t your fault. Most of the time when people react badly it’s because they are reacting to their history.
IF YOU WANT FREE STUFF AND WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE & LOVE
Breaking up can be incredibly hard. You never know if it is the right thing to do or not especially if you have been trying for a very long time to really make it work. Unfortunately, there are a few signs that might really help you know when it is time to break up.
In another article, I talked about how values were important to share with a guy as well as conflict resolution styles, but now I want to share and talk to you about how people change.
I once posted on my Instagram a quote by Lillian Hellman. She said.